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Oxirgi paytlarda hayotim qandaydir bir xil, zerikarli va ma'nosiz bo'lib qolgan edi. Har kuni bir xil ish, bir xil yo'l, bir xil odamlar. Kechqurun uyga qaytganimda esa, xonamning jimjitligi va telefonimdagi cheksiz yangiliklar oqimi orasida o'zimni butunlay yo'qotgandek his qilardim. Bir kuni, yana bir zerikarli kechada, tasodifan vavada rasmiy sayt ko'zgu bugun uchun degan yozuvga ko'zim tushdi. Rostini aytsam, avvaliga bu shunchaki qiziqish edi, balki vaqtni o'tkazish uchun bir yo'l. Ammo keyin tushundimki, men shunchaki vaqt o'tkazishni emas, balki o'zimni yashirishni, haqiqatdan qochishni xohlagan ekanman. O'sha paytda ishdagi bosim, oiladagi tushunmovchiliklar va shunchaki charchoq meni shu qadar ezgan ediki, har qanday chalg'ish men uchun najot bo'lib tuyulardi.

Birinchi kunlar unchalik ham yorqin bo'lmadi. Hisobimni to'ldirib, o'yinlarni sinab ko'ra boshladim. Ba'zi o'yinlar menga umuman tushunarsiz tuyuldi, ba'zilarida esa omadim kelmadi. Bir necha soat ichida ozgina pul yo'qotdim. Lekin g'alati, bu meni g'azablantirmadi. Aksincha, o'sha jarayon, ekran qarshisida o'tirish, turli xil o'yinlarni o'rganish menga o'ziga xos bir xotirjamlik bag'ishladi. Go'yo o'sha lahzada hayotimning boshqa muammolari, qarzlar, janjallar, rejalar — hammasi orqada qolib, faqat shu ekran va undagi ranglar, tovushlar qolgan edi. Bu yerda hech kim menga ish haqida, kelajak haqida gapirmasdi. Men shunchaki o'ynayotgan edim.

Keyinroq, bir kechada, o'zim ham kutmagan tarzda katta bo'lmagan, lekin juda yoqimli yutuqni qo'lga kiritdim. Yutganimda his qilgan tuyg'ularni tasvirlash qiyin. Bu shunchaki pul emas edi — bu bir zumda ko'tarilgan kayfiyat, ko'ngildagi og'ir toshning bir lahzaga bo'lsa ham siljishi edi. O'sha paytda xayolimdan o'tdi: demak, omad ham menga kulib boqishi mumkin ekan. O'sha kundan boshlab, men bu joyga tez-tez qaytadigan bo'ldim. Har safar vavada rasmiy sayt ko'zgu bugun uchun deb qidirar ekanman, o'zimga bir savol berardim: men bu yerga pul uchun kelayapmanmi yoki shunchaki o'zimni yaxshi his qilish uchunmi? Javobini bilardim, lekin tan olishga qo'rqardim.

Vaqt o'tib, o'yinlar men uchun bir xil marosimga aylandi. Kechqurun choy damlab, telefonni qo'lga olib, sevimli o'yinimni ochardim. Ba'zan yutardim, ba'zan yutqazardim. Lekin eng muhimi — o'sha jarayonda o'zimni yolg'iz his qilmasdim. Ekranning narigi tomonida kimdir borligi, o'yin davom etayotgani, qandaydir hayajon borligi meni o'sha zerikarli, ma'nosiz kundan olib qochardi. Bir kuni hatto katta miqdorda bo'lmasa-da, juda katta yutuqni qo'lga kiritdim. O'sha paytda xonamda yolg'iz o'tirgan bo'lsam-da, ovozimni chiqarib kuldim. Bu kulgi o'zimga ham g'alati tuyuldi, chunki uzoq vaqtdan beri chin dildan kulmagan edim. O'sha kulgi ichida ozgina yengillik, ozgina umid bor edi.

Endi o'ylab qarasam, bu o'yinlar menga pul topishdan ko'ra ko'proq ruhiy ozuqa bo'lgan. Men ular orqali haqiqatdan qochardim. Ishdagi muammolarni, uydagi tushunmovchiliklarni, o'zimning ichki bo'shlig'imni vaqtincha unutardim. Ba'zan o'zimni aldaganimni ham sezardim — axir bu faqat vaqtinchalik yengillik edi. Lekin shu vaqtinchalik yengillik menga keyingi kunga chiqish uchun kuch berardi. Qandaydir g'alati tarzda, bu jarayon meni tushkunlikdan olib chiqdi. Men o'zimni yig'ib oldim, ishdagi muammolarni hal qilishga kirishdim, oilam bilan gaplashishga jur'at etdim. Balki bu o'yinlar tufayli emas, balki o'sha damlarda o'zimni tinglashni o'rganganim uchundir. Lekin baribir, o'sha kechalarsiz buni qila olmasdim.

Bugun men o'sha davrni eslab, jilmayaman. Bu qandaydir g'alati, ammo men uchun qimmatli tajriba bo'ldi. Men endi o'sha qadar tez-tez o'ynamayman, lekin ba'zan, juda charchagan kechalarda, o'sha hisni qaytarish uchun kiraman. Va har safar o'zimga eslataman: bu shunchaki o'yin, haqiqat esa — bundan ham qiziqarli bo'lishi mumkin. Faqat unga qarab yashash kerak, qochmasdan.